End of year 2010

2010
It's really a year of changes and new beginnings for me.

I remember in my birthday in 2008, Sandy was telling us about numerology and how to calculate our number for the year.
Year 2009 is year of "9" for me.
Looking back, it was really an year which shakes me really hard.
It was turbulent, dramatic, and many things came to an end for me at the end of year 2009.
However, ending never means terminating for me.
Ending also implies great changes, and new beginning of the next stage.
Life is like that, it never really stops.
It is like the "Death" in Tarot.
Death is the end of one stage and the birth of another.
As the energy implies, the ending could be pretty hard to bear when it hits you.
So, I shook off a lot of unnecessary burdens, like a snake shook of its old skin, to fully prepare myself for the new beginning of my next stage of life (next 9 year according to numerology).

So, coming to year 2010, year of "1" for me, my journey started to unfold and leads me to where I had never expected before.
New projects, new opportunities, new things and new experiences came into my life.
Now almost at the end of the year, I reflect upon all that happened and still can't quite believe that an year had gone by so fast and so much things had happened.
I've been opened myself up to new things (such as angel&energy healing) and really reconsider my career options in the future.
I still don't know where my path is leading me to at the moment, but I'm up for different challenges, more learning and more exploration.
One can never know what's going to happen round the corner.
I'm up for taking the next challenge, no matter what it is.
That's what make life beautiful. :)
That's how I would like to sum up my year 2010, the year of "1".

Happy new year!
May year 2011 brings you love, joy, peace and achievement.

The law of attraction

As I've been reading The Secret recently, many thoughts came to me. Also, I've been reflecting on my past and how I get to where I am today.

To put "The Secret" in psychological term, it is positive thinking and selective attention.
We should focus on what we want, what makes us happy, and on what's good for us.
If we set our mind to look for the good/ positive things, when we encounter good things we recognise it, which makes us happy. It also gives us a sense of empowerment.

Happiness is just like that- it comes from within, not from outside.
Just as what Buddha had said:
There's no way to happiness, happiness is the way.

Are you feeling happy? If not, a truthful advise- BE happy.
We all have a choice, and the decision to be happy is really up to our own choice.

Languages

I've read this from the blog of a friend of mine:
"To speak another language is to possess another soul." Which is actually a quote from Charlemagne.
I think it's a very interesting concept, but I think to put it more precisely, we should say:
"To master another language is to acquire another soul."
I do agree that language is an important way of self-expression and it also affect the way we think and perceive the world around us.
To take it to the soul level, in my opinion, we have to know the language very well to reach the deep level of understanding.
I think it is very difficult to reach deep if, for example, a conversation never pass "Hello, how are you?--I'm fine, Thank you. And you?" this kind of thing.
So we must know a language well enough to express ourselves and to know enough abstract concepts.
Other than that, language also influence on the way we think and reason.
Take myself for instance, I find it easier to express my research-related ideas in English.
II connect better with spiritual growth related ideas or activities in English as well.
But for expression of emotion and creativity, I'm much better off using Mandarin.
Probably because this just says something about the context of my learning different subjects, i.e., I learnt Mandarin when I was younger and I speak Mandarin with my family; whilst I learnt psychology and do research in English. Hence, it is not until when I'm older that I started to learn about spiritual growth and by this time, I had been using more English than Mandarin in everyday life.
So it will be very interesting to say that I have(at least) two souls: one Mandarin soul and one English soul.
My Mandarin soul is probably much younger than my English soul, and my English soul is definitely going to get older and older (as I keep on working on its growth).
Then we'll see a beautiful picture at the time of my death- An old English lady and a Taiwanese little girl, hand in hand, walking toward the afterlife together.
Such a lovely and heart-warming sight. :)

A baking session a week, keeps the depression away.

Other than dancing, I also love baking.

I find baking very therapeutic (the process) and rewarding (the result and feedback from others).

I guess this is how it works in occupational therapy- the person is engaged in the process of doing (/making) something and also getting the reward of his/her own work soon afterwards.

I would definitely second the idea of a person doing/making something s/he likes to relieve from pressure and negative feelings or thoughts.

For me, I dance, I yoga, I swim and I bake. These are easy things to do in everyday life but it's so essential for my sanity. I need to exercise to boost up my physical health, which in turn also boost up my mental health. But baking is somewhat at a different level. It is not absolutely necessary, but it makes me (and people around me who also get a share of the goodies I bake) happy. It's more like a luxury to me-I can't afford to do it everyday. When I do it, I really take the time and enjoy the whole process of it. Being able to make something nice and share the joy with friends really makes me happy.

Many people say that you need to be wary of PhD blue (depression during your PhD study) especially if you are in a competitive academic institution. So I guess, as long as I can keep up with my healthy plan and my weekly luxurious baking time, I shall be pretty safe from the PhD blue. 

Anyway, an apple a day, keeps the doctor away.

I'll say: a baking session a week, keeps the depression away!

I dance, so I live

I used to dance a lot when I was younger (during my teens).
My connection with dancing traced as early as I was in kindergarten-I had always been selected to dance for the graduation performances every year when I was there.
I never thought it was a big deal or anything special. I just enjoyed it.
I didn't enjoy performing that much, but I love the feeling of moving my body to the music.
But think back about it now,I guess that indicated something about my good motor skill development and body coordination ( thanks to my parents' gene).

I started formal dancing lessons since I was about 10 years old, attending ballet and Chinese folk dance classes at a private dance studio. I just loved it (especially Chinese folk dance).
The training was not easy and we had a mix class-with people from 9 year-olds to 15 year-olds. The classes also consist of a mixture of levels-from beginners like me and many people who had been dancing for a long time, but just want to keep on practicing the basics (But actually I think students came more because of the teacher-all of us adored her).
Because of the mixed level and age of the dance class, it was actually very challenging. Many students there were in formal dance school (or you can say they are "professionals") and had much much more experience than I did. It was not easy to keep up with all of them. Sometimes it could be really frustrating-seeing all my classmates dancing so gracefully and nicely when I couldn't even remember the movements correctly, clumsily trying to keep up.
I tried very hard to catch up and learned as hard as I can, because I want to be as graceful as they were. I love dancing and I quite enjoyed challenge, so I guess I coped quite alright.  

Thinking back to my childhood, I think the time of dancing really was much much more memorable than the time at school. School was long and most of the time boring.
My closest friend in elementary school was also a dancer (and a musician). We used to perform together at school talent shows quite frequently. We skipped many classes (legitimately) to practice dancing for the talent shows quite regularly. Those times were probably the most enjoyable ones at my elementary school. However, the dance studio was closed around the time when I was 12 because of financial difficulty. So I stopped dancing for a while.

Fortunately, it wasn't for long. After entering junior high school (12-14 year-olds), I joined the folk dance team in school. Our team attended regional and national competitions and won many prizes. We had to get up and went to school earlier than other students for practice during weekdays and spend extra weekend times for practice as well. I think the dancing time was actually the most enjoyable time and what kept me going during my junior high years. The academic part of the school was pretty dull and dry.
Apart from the school folk dance team, I also attended a private dance class once a week with a good friend of mine I met in the dance team. She is one of my closest friends up until now. :)  We were often paired up in the dance because of our height and level (both of us were considered very advanced among the team) were somewhat compatible. But she grew much taller than me after graduating from junior high so now we wouldn't be consider as the same height anymore!
Anyway, that's not the point. The point was, fortunately I kept on dancing again in my junior high.

In senior high (15-17), academic pressure became much heavier so I did not attend the private dance classes anymore. However, I didn't just stop dancing.
I attended the Street dancing club in my high school, so I started to learn very different types of dancing-Hip-Hop. We practice once a week and had some additional workshops during school break in the first year. In second year, we had very intensive practices and choreographies every week plus every weekend including school breaks.  We performed and competed in many places as well. However, I didn't feel that much connection with Hip-Hop for some unspeakable reasons. Probably mostly because I couldn't identify with other club members that well. The only member I connected well was the one who outgrown me during the summer holiday between junior and senior high. Fortunately we went to the same senior high school and joined the club together. She enjoyed (and probably much better suited for) traditional/classical types of dance much more than Hip-Hop. She has a much stronger personality/feeling for something elegant. :)
But anyway, I didn't continue Hip-Hop after graduating from high school. I kind of knew that it wasn't really for me either.
 
During my undergrad years, I only danced in my freshman year-twice performed at the departmental talent shows and in my PE class, I took aerobic dance. That was it. My dancing life came to a pause since my second year of undergrad. But I was swimming during that two years, so at least my body can still move. I just went to the swimming pool as much as I feel like (on average 3 times a week, 1000m each time) because my dormitory is just 3 minutes from the university swimming pool. After two years of swimming phase I moved on to a yoga phase in my master years. Also partly because I came to England, I prefer indoor exercise (so to save money and to avoid dealing with the weather), something I can easily practice at home.
Probably because I used to dance so much, I learned to do yoga pretty quickly. It really reminds me of dancing and I really enjoyed it as well. The calmness and peace come with yoga was beyond expression. So I have been practicing yoga since 2006.

In my first year of PhD, I decided to make use of the diverse resources in Cambridge better so I started learning salsa. Unfortunately it didn't last because I couldn't find a dance partner who can practice with me regularly. I also tried belly dance for a few session in my first year, but I didn't  agree with the instructor's class organisation so I didn't continue. However, I really really enjoyed belly dance. But I didn't want to compromise for poorly-organised classes, therefore I just sticked with yoga for a while.  Fortunately, the university's dance club found another belly dance teacher who is much better with class organisation and full of enthusiasm for dancing. So I started belly dance from April 2010. That was definitely the best thing I've done this year.

It just made me realise how much I miss and how much I enjoy dancing.
I can really feel that I am here and living when I dance.
I just realised how much happiness dance brings me, and also reminds me how much dancing makes me who I am.
We spent 1.5 hours in the dancing studio for extra practice yesterday and after that, I came back home and danced for another hour. I couldn't stop and didn't want to stop, until I was really exhausted. A very deep feeling of happiness and satisfaction arose at the end of my dancing.
I can feel it in my every muscle, bone and even cells.
Dance makes me alive and makes me who I am.
I dance, so I live.

  

Spring

Spring is a very interesting time: a time of transition.

Things come and go in this season.

It signifies the transition of the old and new; transformation of dead and birth.

It is an ending but also a new beginning.

It is a little sad, but on the other hand, also very exciting and challenging.

A season full of opportunities, growth and challenges.

I enjoy this time of the year and cherish all the opportunities for growth and challenges.

To maximise the growth of our spirit, we need to take the opportunities when they come.

They are like the ephemeral blossoms of the spring.

However beautiful and prosperous they may seem, they might appear only a split second and disappear afterwards.

The ephemeron is the essence of the spring, also of life and death alike.

Attachment

Attachment, what a complicated word.

It refers to very different concepts in different areas.

Probably to most people, the most familiar meaning of attachment is the additional file we get in our e-mails. In law, it refers to a means of collecting a legal judgment by levying on property in the possession of a third party. In biology, attachment is the binding of virus to its target cell.

In Buddhism, Upādāna, translated as attachment, is the critical cause of suffering.

In psychology, it refers to the emotional connections or bonds between two individuals.

As a person studying psychology, I'm more interested in its meaning in describing human bonding. I can write a psychology essay about attachment and how it manifests and functions throughout one's lifetime. But don't worry, I'm not going to be too scientifically about it this time. Here I would be more leisure and focus more on my thoughts and reflections on it recently and quest the link between the psychological attachment and the Buddhist attachment.

(OMG, how pathetic can I be... I'm using an essay format writing my blog article!)

Attachment, as I put it, is the emotional bond between two individuals. A baby forms the very first attachment with its primary care giver (in most societies this is the mother, so in the following text I will use "mother" to save some time and space) at around 6 month old. Mother- infant attachment is the blue print of interpersonal relationships.The relationship between the baby and mother is crucial for the baby's survival, human infant is probably the most vulnerable species of all animals and it depends heavily on its care giver for survival. If the care giver is consistently and sensitively respond to the baby's needs , the baby would develop a "secure" type of attachment. Secure attachment means the baby develops a good sense of self ( I can ask for what I want and people care about me) and can establish interpersonal trust easily. "Avoidant" attachment usually happens when the care giver is not responsive to the babies' crying or discourages the baby's distress. Avoidant attachment is characterised by the lack of emotional communication between the mother and the baby. A third type of attachment is "ambivalent/resistant" attachment, characterised by the ambivalence of affect expression of the child- the baby is preoccupied by the availability of mother, seeking contacts with mother but resists angrily when it's achieved. Usually inconsistent care-giving between appropriate and neglectful responses from mother contribute to this attachment type formation. Also, the fourth type is "disorganised", which means the baby doesn't have a consistent attachment style. Anyway, we can say that secure attachment is "secure" and the "avoidant" and "ambivalent" are both insecure. In most research literature, around 65% babies are in secure category and the remaining 35% are in insecure and disorganised. (OMG, this is really pathetic, this paragraph is exactly like an essay...)

I think mother-infant attachment is important not because I'm studying psychology but because it's the first interpersonal bond the infant forms with the outside world. Human are social animals, we live in a context of core family, extended family, friends, acquaintances and strangers. We can not live in complete isolation, therefore our interpersonal relation is a crucial part in our daily dealing. Usually, attachment is applied to most intimate interpersonal relationships only- that of parent-child, romantic relationships, or couples. However, I argue that it's not only limited to intimate relationships but every interpersonal relations, just that it's more obvious in more intimate relationships. The core issue in attachment, is trust, which is the foundation of any interpersonal dealings. A secure person can trust other people easily, therefore it's easier for the person to really connect to others. An insecure individual cannot trust others easily. An avoidant person avoid emotional expression so that they won't be vulnerable and won't get hurt when rejected; an ambivalent person seeks high-level intimacy and needs constant reassurance whilst the person him/herself might not reaffirms the reassurance consistently. Forming relationship with avoidant and ambivalent individuals can be pretty challenging-how can you develop intimate relationship with a person who doesn't trust you(and vise versa)? . For instance, the challenging part for relating to avoidant people is the difficulty to really know what's his/her emotion because he/she doesn't show it. The challenges for relating to ambivalent individual are the constant reassurances he/she seeks and the inconsistencies- wouldn't it be very tiring if your partner ask you whether you love him/her every day but doesn't necessarily give you positive response if asked? Insecure individuals do not trust people and that also make other people difficult to trust them. After all, relationship is reciprocal. (OK, I think I'm getting much better here!)

Although I'm saying the mother-infant attachment is important because it's the blue-print or prototype of a person's intimate relationships, I am not saying that it is invariable. It is possible to change: attachment patterns can be changed and modified through our experiences or through tremendous conscious cognitive effort (e.g. going through psychotherapy). For instance, a person can stat with perfectly secure attachment with his/her parents as a baby but become avoidant after the parents' divorce (e.g. due to the parents' daily arguments and neglect to the child's needs), or a person can start with ambivalent attachment with the parents but develop secure attachment after being in consistent romantic relationship with a stable partner. But I would say, it's more difficult to change and adjust as one gets older, and also, the development of attachment is usually unconscious which is also difficult to change even through conscious effort. And also, the deeper the relationships develop, the more difficult to resolve (or to detach in a certain level) for the relationship breakdown. Many people can get so deeply hurt that they refuse to open their heart to let another person in ever again, and as you can foresee, these people become avoidant.

Developing interpersonal trust takes energy and effort. Each individual comes from a totally different background, goes through different life experiences and with a different spirit. It is not easy for two individuals to mutually understand each other, especially if they do not share some common background, experiences or culture. Committing into a relationship is deciding to take a risk. A risk that we might not even be able to estimate the outcome. But the will to trust, to open oneself to another, and to devote unconditionally for the growth of another's spiritual growth, is love. Love is not easy, is not effortless, and certainly not risk-free. Nowadays, romantic love is usually portrayed by popular media as "instinctual (e.g. I know he/she is the one, I just know.)", "effortless(One can "fall" in love)", " risk-free" and certainly the bright side more magnified. However, the side which requires more effort and risk is usually neglected, which, in my opinion, partially contributes to the higher divorce rate in contemporary society. Once the "falling in love" feeling(passion) disappears, couple do not look for ways to work together to improve the relationship instead just ask for a divorce because they don't think love actually takes effort. Love definitely comes with passion (for romantic love) and intimacy, but to develop it require time, attention, effort, discipline and commitment.

It is perfectly natural and healthy to have interpersonal attachment. Human are social being and we naturally seek intimacy and interaction with others. I think the link between Buddhist attachment and interpersonal attachment is obsession and excessive possessiveness. The attachment becomes a cause of suffering when one becomes too dependent on the relationship to the point that he/she is even obsessive about the other, which also has something to do with the insecure attachment. I don't think it is very healthy, nor is it easy for both people involved. The crucial point here is balance: the balance between self and the other (independence-dependency), balance between trust and reasonable doubt (trusting-naive), balance between being emotional and being apathetic (emotional expression). The balance is not a static thing, it's dynamic and fluctuating, and it is hard to strike and need to be learnt through experiences and efforts.

Crossing paths

You left, in the snow, all alone.

No tears, with a smile, walking to where we have to go.

We said, it seems slow, all the time we've been through along.

Across all the time and miles, I know our bond firm and strong.

Five countries, three continents in six years.

Where will you be next?

When will we meet next?

I don't know, where I will be or how I will turn out to be.

You've changed, so have I, and we will still both grow.

Away we go, time will still flow.

But I know, I'm not alone.